Yesterday, Jackson caused a 5 foot ladder to fall on him. The ladder was against a wall and I was doing laundry and moved the laundry basket that was in front of the ladder to my bed. One minute latter I heard a huge thud. Literally, it was 5 seconds of not watching him and Doddlebops was on in the next room so I did not think he would come anywhere near me....boy was a wrong! Praise the Lord the ladder only hit his face. He is fine, but it is so funny that I am posting on Toddler Wise....boy do I need to read about how to be a better parent to a toddler!
Again, I do not agree with everything in these Baby Wise books but I am reading Toddler Wise right now and I thought I would share what I have read (in general these books make me think, and force me to think about how to be a better mom). First, Ezzo states that there are 4 principles of instructions.
- Principle #1 is “when you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect a response. Children will rise to the level of expectation of their parents.” He goes on to say that a walking talking two year old can only comply with an adult 60 percent of the time. He is not capable of more. When they reach 3 they can comply 70 percent and then when your child reaches five they can do eighty five to ninety percent of compliance. I am not too sure where they get these figures, but it does make since. I guess Toddler Wise does help me be a better mom so it is good reading. Perfectionists, like myself, expect Jackson to do every little thing I ask him to do. I do not believe that we can become perfect here on earth, so why do I expect Jackson to obey his parents 100 percent of the time? It is crazy that these Toddler Wise book really makes me think hard about my theological beliefs. I have started to use the rod (I use a wooden spoon) on Jackson, but only if it is an action that can result in injury or hospitalization. In the last two months, I have only had to use it one time and that is when he kept on crawling up my parents wooden stairs after I told him no, and then I said he would get a spanking (I even gave him 3 times to not do it). The rest of the time, I usually put him in the pack in play when he is being defiant. In the pack in play he has no toys, just books.
- Principle #2 “With toddlers, you must give instructions, not suggestions.”
- Principle #3 Healthy discipline is always consistent. Consistency provides security and freedom
- Principle #4 Require eye contact when giving face-to face instruction
Here is my problem....I think Ezzo is saying that toddlers do not sin until they are 3 years old. I understand what he is trying to say, but after I have told Jackson that it is wrong to do something, he then has the knowledge of it being bad, and then sins. I believe we are all born sinners. Listen to what Ezzo states, “For the one-year old plus, it is simply the operation of his nature. He looks, he sees, he wants, he takes. He does not sit back and contemplate the rightness or wrongness of an action because such behavior for a one-year-old is valueless (me, myself, and I are dominate thoughts), while at three years of age behavior becomes value-driven.” Just because Jackson is not taking the time to think about his actions, does not make all his actions right. Do yall agree? Do you understand what I am trying to say here? Maybe Ezzo is saying that about 3 years of age is the “age of accountability,” or the age that God holds people responsible for their sin.
Ezzo goes on to say that, “A child’s desire to do wrong can only exist when there is the knowledge of wrong. With children, resident knowledge of wrong begins to manifest itself around three years of age during the early formation of the higher conscience.” There are no footnotes so I have no clue where he gets this information. Do yall agree with this?
The only other good thing that I want to comment on is that Ezzo states, “temper tantrums, for example, are often the result of an over-stimulated child in need of sleep. The action of the tantrum should be considered secondary to the real problem. It is not discipline that the child needs, but rest. Have you ever seen a well rested child throw a temper tantrum?” I would say amen to that. Still the best book I have read is Shepherding a Child’s Heart, but this book does not focus exclusively on toddlers. Next book I want to read is Don't Make Me Count to Three: A Mom's Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline by Plowman. What other books would yall recommend?
I have signed Jackson up for toddler time at the library for 5 weeks starting in a couple weeks and we are excited about that. I also might be joining Gold’s Gym and doing the BodyStep classes there…but we will have to see about that. They have childcare and it would be a great way for us to get out more! However, I am not bored at all - things are as busy as ever with church and everything
Ps-a lot of teeth are about to come through, one just came through on the bottom making that tooth number 7....I was trying to get a picture of that 7th tooth coming in....wow he is going to have his mommy and daddy's gap in his front 2 teeth! He also has excema now and we were back at the doctor for the like 100th time this winter. They just gave us so steroid cream and it has gotten a lot better!
8 comments:
Interesting thoughts. . . definitely conversation provoking. I've found that being a parent has given me a whole new perspective to evaluate my assumptions about life and theology. Lemme tell you--I've questioned a lot, pondered a lot, made mistakes, and grown!
Anyway, I copied part of your post over at a discussion board I frequent where parents of various beliefs discuss parenting, especially related to the writings of Gary Ezzo. You're welcome to come join the conversation!
http://awareparent.net/smf/index.php?topic=467.0
Grace and peace,
I do expect obedience 100 percent of the time once they have been trained that something is or is not acceptable. When I say for them to do something, I do expect them to do it. I need to know that if I tell them to do something that needs to be done immediately for their safety’s sake, they will without question. No exaggeration, when my kids are 2 - they are obeying me more than 60 percent of the time. I use the rod when they are disobedient I usually start around 18 months. Time-outs are not biblical; when you put him in the pack n play with books, you are actually training him that the unacceptable behavior rewards him with book time. If you use the pack n play for any other purpose then you really are not training him at all. In order for him to learn that which is acceptable or not, you need to set up training sessions to teach him that no means no and yes means yes the first time. When you tell him 3 times before taking action, you are training him that you did not really mean it the first 2 times, so he can wait to obey the third time you tell him. I have been training Gia since before she could crawl. The other 3 kids were easier to train than she is but all of them by 2 yrs were extremely obedient.
As a parent, you should never ask or suggest that your child do something. You are the parent they are the child; you instruct them and tell them what to do. You are training him not to please his flesh. Every person has a fleshly desire and as adults, we are expected to deny our fleshly desires often because usually what we want is not good for us. (Like eating the entire package of cookies or buying that pair of shoes when we do not need another pair…) We have a responsibility to teach that self control and denial of the flesh to our children so that when they are adults they do not need to learn it, they will already know it.
I can tell you without question that my 13 month old knows what is right and wrong. She knows what she is not to get into and what is for her to play with. She also knows that she will get in trouble if she disobeys. She tests this boundary often and I have the responsibility to remind her of the boundaries and show her that they do not change from hour to hour or day to day. We were born with the desire to please our selfish flesh. I saw in my littlest the evidence of this more than the others as I watched her purposely ignore the boundaries at 4 months and 6 months as she started crawling and screaming when she wanted a toy actually throwing a tantrum.
Tantrums are uncontrolled anger. My kids have all tried to get away with tantrums and most often, the tantrum was not a result of them being exhausted but them being angry that I was not going to give them what they wanted. As parents, we have the responsibility to teach them that tantrums are unacceptable behavior, and how to control their anger. Also, how not to get angry at everything. As adults, these tantrums manifest themselves in road rage, shooting sprees, bombings, fights, vandalism… all of which will land you in a lot of trouble. Why would I not want to immediately teach my child that tantrums are unacceptable so that as an adult they do not throw a tantrum? This is just as important as teaching them not to lie, not to steal, obey the traffic laws…
What I do is teach my kids is to love and respect others and things. If they are showing respect, then their behavior is acceptable behavior. In addition, when I tell them to do something and they become hesitant to obey, I start counting from 5 to 0 if at 0 they have not obeyed, they get spanked. They know this and they comply because they have been trained. I count backwards because you cannot go lower than 0 (young kids do not know about negative numbers yet) if you are counting up you can always go higher. Now, the reason why I started counting is that my son obsesses over stuff so if he is obsessing I need him to have a couple of seconds to redirect his mind to the task I am telling him to do. I rarely have to count now. I also use the counting when I have a task I want completed quickly. I will tell them “Get your shoes on before I say 0.” and I will start counting. They will all have their shoes on before 0. It is great for them to learn how to do things quickly.
Okay this is a long response. Here are the resources I use.
To Train a Child by Michael and Debbie Pearl (No Greater Joy Ministries -- www.nogreaterjoy.org) - You can go to their site and look up toddlers they have many articles there.
Complete Book of Baby and Child Care by Paul Reisser (Focus on the Family)
And a website -- www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com
Wow, I do want to have a great discussion with you and not an argument, but I do disagree with many things that you have said here. I really want to try my best here to speak the truth here in love but it is hard here without talking/praying together. We will probably just have to agree to disagree.
This is what I have discovered in the short year I have been a parent as I have observed other parents. They either lean towards the grace side too heavily and just do not try to schedule anything for their kids and just give their kids grace for every little thing they do (and we has onlookers say “wow” the parents have so much patience) which I think is wrong. Or I find parents who tend to be too strict, too legalistic, and here is where I am afraid you may be based on this post and the reading you have recommended here. Where is the grace if you do not accept anything but 100 percent obedience? Where would we be if God had no grace for us? I believe that parenting is about discipline, love, and grace, not obedience. If God expected us to be perfect, why would he bother sending His Son to die for our sins? I am afraid that 100 percent obedience is legalism and Jesus had very harsh things to say about Pharisees who taught this type of obedience. My heart’s desire is to treat my child as our heavenly father treats us. I want to flee very hard from anything that has to do with legalism or legalistic ideas. I do not interpret the Bible legalistically and therefore, I am not going to parent my child in that way. Maybe I am misunderstanding some of your thoughts here but the “No Greater Joy” ministry is very legalistic and is not a way that I desire to bring up my child. We are called to train a child up, not dominate a child up.
I do not agree with the whole 60 percent of the time argument found in Baby Wise and I honestly, just have no clue where they get the majority of their information, I just wanted some moms to comment on their thoughts from these inserts, which is great!
I really do use the pack in play as a way of redirecting Jackson’s activity. Sometimes, he gets into things that he should not because he is bored, and I should be providing more opportunities to learn. Until he reaches closer to 2, I do not know 100 percent if he understands what I am asking him to do, and I will continue to give him opportunities to choose to not sin, by the third time of my telling him something, I know he understands completely. I do want my child to not understand why I am correcting his behavior and not be scared that I will just start spanking him out of the blue. Effective communication is key here. I will always warn him that behavior is not acceptable to me or God, and will result in a spanking. After I have said that, he will be spanked. I do not want Jackson to think every little time I say “no” which is a lot some days, he will get spanked. My heavenly father has given me so much grace, and I will in return give my child grace….but I do understand what you are saying here. However, I do not want my child to fear me (man), but God. If I spanked him every time I said no, he could fear me, not God. That’s why I have chosen to reserve spankings for now for doing things that could injure him or someone else. It’s all about the child’s heart.
When you give your children 5 seconds to obey you, one could make an argument that you are allowing them to disobey you for 4 seconds…this is essentially no different then me telling Jackson 3x not to do something. So, at this point, I don’t see a whole lot of difference. But, I really do you like you give them that 5 seconds of grace, and I think that this is a great idea!
Bottom line, I have found few books that balance the grace/strictness and boundaries well for young toddlers. I really do appreciate your advice, for you have so much more wisdom than me in this area. Pleas continue to give your advice/wisdom, because I am always learning!
It is hard to have a discussion when not face-to-face. I think some of what I said did not come across correctly. Because I know, I am in the middle of the grace - legalistic scale. I know many parents that I have watched who are so more legalistic than my husband and I. God expects perfection because He is perfect but He knows that we cannot give him perfection so there had to be a sacrifice. Before Christ, they sacrificed the perfect lamb and then Christ came for us. I do look to the Father for an example of love and parenting that He does with us. I do give my kids tons of grace. And my kids are never afraid that they are going to be spanked out of the blue. They always know why they are being spanked (which happens about once a month total). Training does not include the rod. It is the rod of discipline. Training is different from discipline. Right now, I am training Gia she is only 13 months. She is still learning what is and is not acceptable - I am teaching her what I expect of her. However, as she learns I expect her to obey. In about 5 months, I will start using the rod of discipline with her. I use the pack n play for redirection when she starts to act as if she is bored. Since the move, I have not pulled it out yet but will soon I am sure.
Just today, my son’s behavior warranted discipline. I looked at him and said that he needed to be disciplined and I asked him what that meant and he said he deserved a spanking, I told him that if he changed his behavior immediately he would not be spanked. He changed and no spanking - grace.
I am afraid that you now see me as a slave driving uptight mother and that is so not the case. I found No Greater Joy through some friends who have the most amazing children, two families actually, the kids between them range from 32 to 10. All of them are completely sold out to Christ and their hearts are beautiful. Because of what I saw in these kids’ hearts, I read To Train Up a Child. I only disagreed with about 5 - 10 percent of what they said. I think I read things differently than you did maybe. When I do a “time-out” I have my older kids stand or sit next to me and stay there until they are ready to discuss the heart behind the action. I pull out the Word and we read it and pray. Then they are to ask forgiveness from the person they need to and from God. My hearts desire is that my kids’ hearts are towards the Lord and not the world. I am really afraid that what I wrote came across wrong. I love having parenting discussions with others and picking their brains. I hope this comes across more of my heart than the last post.
Great, I think we are on the same page! It really brings me to joy to hear from your heart in this post. I agree with you 100 percent here. I did go to the “No Greater Joy” ministry site and read the entire first chapter of To Train Up A Child and I thought that parts were very upsetting to read because the tone seemed harsh and vitriolic. So many so-called Christian books do not teach the truth, but rather psychology, legalism, and strait up heresy! I just really want us as smart readers to start reading reviews on the books we read and let shape our lives!
One critic states that, “This book uses Bible verses (taken out of context) to disguise their theories on the psychology of negative reinforcement. The bit about pulling a breastfeeding infant's hair when he bites is enough to put a tear in anyone's eye. These are truly horrible people, the kind of fanatical, cruel, control-freaks you see on 20/20 and the like. But they would make excellent cult/commune leaders.” I know that pulling on a babies hair when they bite while the baby is breastfeeding is straight up wrong and not in the Bible. Unlike this critic, I do not want to attack the person but the content of the book! However, in the first chapter they compare training children to training dogs - we are not training dogs! In conclusion, there is no perfect book except the Bible. I would not recommend To Train Up a Child to mothers. I guess when you said that you expected 100 percent obedience and this book, I thought this was your position on child rearing, but now I see what you are saying and I do not think you would agree with many ideas in this book. When a child bites, you do not bite back, you use the rod and I believe isolate them in the crib or pack in play. So, when you said for me not to give them 3 chances or use the pack in play, again, I thought you were in agreement with the majority of the book. One of the subtitles in this book is “obedience training,” and I will not raise Jackson up in any kind of obedience training, and I do not think you would either!
Ps-I would recommend Toddler Wise but I would say for young mothers to have their eyes wide open, and look for teaching that is contrary to the Bible as well as teaching that does not have a Biblical world-view. Toddler Wise does not advocate pulling hair, or harming a child so they can pass “obedience training.”
I agree with the principles of the book. When I first started reading the book, I thought that it seemed harsh. However, when you read the whole book it takes on a different tone. And, I saw Michael Pearl speak and met him later; his heart was not one that was dominating at all. He was full of love and compassion but yet strong and in charge (I cannot figure out the right word) at the same time.
I have done obedience training but not in the way they say in the book. We have done things like tell the kids to put their shoes on even though we were not going anywhere. We have told them to sit on the couch for no reason either (only for a couple of minutes). The kids ask why sometimes but they have learned not to ask and just do even if it makes no sense. I think of it as a fire drill. In school when the bell sounded we all did the routine of filing out the door and walking to the correct place outside. Then of course wait until the bell to go in sounded. Now, why did we do this every month? So we can be prepared if there was a fire. If we are ever in a situation where the kids have to do something they would not normally do and do it immediately or they will get hurt or whatever, I need to know that they will do it. This is why I expect 100 percent form my kids. Now, I have never pulled my babies hair when they bite me. Instead, I pull them in close really quick causing them to let go on their own. That usually does the trick.
Oh, my Father in Law used the same argument about telling them 3 times is pretty much the same as counting down, but the difference is I have only told them once and they have 5 seconds to obey. If I am telling them more than once, chances are I am getting frustrated in the process, and counting keeps everything calm.
I was surprised to read the quote that you posted from Toddlerwise because elsewhere Ezzo has really emphasized that parents should "get" a much higher percentage of obedience than that if they are following his method correctly and not wimping out.
Did you find that surprising, too?
As to the rest of this conversation in the comments...I'll just share my own perspective.
I really never thought about obedience in terms of percentages and I do not believe that "first time obedience" is the more Christian or more biblical standard.
Though I was certainly always after having my children respect me and follow through on what I'd asked of them and not make me keep harping on them.
What I was always after with my children was *relationship*. And when the relationship and when the atmosphere in our home was "right,"--for want of a better word--then they tended to be cooperative, and if they weren't being their normal cooperative selves, I started asking myself, "I wonder why? I wonder what's up?"
There was almost always something going on--maybe they were coming down sick or had missed their nap or bedtime had been delayed for too long or they were hungry and needed a healthy snack or I'd been putting them off for too long while I finished a project or something upsetting had happened to them--usually there was a *reason* and the symptoms were truculence and uncooperativeness.
And then of course sometimes it's just ages and stages stuff. You can't expect a healthy two year old to sit still for an hour...you have to keep your expectations reasonable to the age and stage of the child.
I'm not saying I didn't expect my children to obey me when I "instructed them" to do something. I certainly did. However I viewed the whole situation through the lens of "relationship".
I wish you well in your mothering journey.
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