What do you think of "Time -Out?"

In Ginger Plowman's book, Heaven at Home she warns about the "Traps of Ineffective Discipline"

She warns that many discipline techniques can be popular but turn out to be good for only temporary obedience.

Two techniques she critiques that stand outs to me were "Time- Outs," and "Threatening"

With "Time -Outs" she states that:

• When your child lacks self control you do not put him in a time out chair, just like you do not put an alcoholic in a liquor store. She writes, "We must be careful not to lead our children into temptation. Our goal is to encourage them in righteousness for the glory of God. "
  
• "Time-outs open the door for a power struggle. God's way is much easier and much more effective. If a child disobeys, is it not easier to spank the child and be done with it than to enter the power struggle of time-out? Not only can time-out be extremely exasperating to a child, but it also gives him the upper hand in determining the effectiveness of consequence. After all, he is the one who will determine whether or not he actually sits or get up."
  
• "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother" Proverbs 29:15
• Time- outs can replace time in with Mom and the working of the Holy Spirit through her obedience to God's Word in discipline. When Mom leaves the child to himself in time-out rather than interacting with him, teaching him the word of God, and lovingly correcting him with the rod, she disregards God's intention for her to play an active role in the training of her child.

Time-outs have never worked with Jackson, he would always laugh and had fun so I never had really implemented them.

Recently, with Jackson when he pushes or tries to hurt his sister for no reason, I take him to his room and we talk through it. I do pull out his Bible and tell him that his Heavenly Father wants him to love his sister and we do too. Also, I tell him that Jesus died for all his sins. When he hurts someone else or is in a situation where he is not listening and can get hurt, he gets a spanking with a wooden spoon. Many times I do warn him that his action is sin and he needs to do ________ instead before he gets a spanking. I give him a chance to correct his behavior (unless he deliberately hurts Abigail). When he gets a spanking I take a good bit of time up with him and we pray that he will be sorry for what he did. Plowman also suggests using Biblical words like disobey...i.e... "Jackson, you disobeyed mommy."

Spanking should stop when children become adults (Biblically) at twelve, if not before. The frequency should also begin to dwindle with age.

I love to hear what you think about "time-outs!" She seems to have some good points. Love to hear what works with your little ones.

New Books We Are Working on

Jackson is still going to Oak Grove Elementary School on Thursday mornings at 7:45 am for speech (one hour sessions). He has done really well in January and is speaking in 4 or 5 word sentences now. He is saying so much in speech his teacher says she is having a hard time writing it all down. She said last time he was like, "Look, that is a diamond shape." I am so thankful! This time last year he was hardly saying anything. Now, he is almost non-stop talking...if I will not listen, he will talk to himself.

Every month they try to work on one specific book every therapy session. The books they are now working on for February are Emma Kate by Patrica Polacco, and The Three Bears by Paul Galdone. I got both of these books off half.com for under $5. I will not pay more than $5 (this includes shipping) for any book or dvd I buy for them, because we are at the stage where books get eaten by our little goat, Abigail. I am so excited about these new books!

I still do school time daily with the kids since they are not going to Preschool. I have started strapping Abigail down in her seat during this time as well and doing activities with her (we are trying for her not to use her pacifier during the day).

Here is our current 'school' schedule at home:

Mondays: Car and block day (he works on copying what I build)
Tuesdays: Bubble day
Wednesday: Puzzle day
Thursday: Animal day
Friday: Art day
Saturday: practice ball (putting, soccer, etc).

At the end of "school" time (they are both strapped down) they get a Popsicle as a treat. This kills some time and is good exercise for their mouths.

With Jackson, we are working on obeying Mommy the first time I ask him to do something. This requires me really meaning what I say, and getting down on his level, making eye contact, and speaking in a calm but stern voice. If he does an action that deliberately hurts his sister, or harms himself (i.e. running out in the middle of the street), he gets a spanking with the "rod." (wooden spoon).

Proverbs 13:24, "He who spares the rod, hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Proverbs 22:15, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."

Ultimately, my primary goal for my children is to know Jesus. Jesus' death and resurrection is their only hope. My goal for my children is to teach them to strive to live a life where their goal is to die to themselves and depend on God.

How we live this out in their little lives may look like this: when my kids are sick, we lay hands on whoever is sick and pray in Jesus name that He will heal them. When mommy struggles with something, I pray out loud to the Holy Spirit that He will give me strength to overcome whatever I am struggling with. When Jackson is obsessing over what PJ's he is going to wear at night, and who got the certain PJ's for him, if it is us, I say, "Mommy and Daddy got them. Daddy works very hard so we can have money to have PJ's. But ultimately, Jesus graciously gave us our money and everything we have." God is completely in control (it might not be our plan but it is His plan, everything that happens to us that we have no control over). Also we sing such songs as, "Yes, Jesus loves me" and read stories daily all about Jesus from Read Aloud Bible Stories.

I have really been thinking a lot recently about parenting goals and how to practically live them out. One of my friends recently experienced an extreme family tragedy. There really were no words that I could say to comfort her. However, the Holy Spirit gave me words for her through a song. I texted her and said, "Our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness". He is the only reason we can get out the bed the next day, he is our ONLY HOPE. We can keep our eyes fixed on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. The Holy Spirit will give you the strength (that you do not think you havr) to set your hearts and your thoughts on Jesus. Our only hope is His blood and His righteousness. That is my "sermon" for today...ha!

Different Challenges in Disciplining a 3 year old

Disciplining a 3 year old is very different for us, than discipline a 2 year old.

When a 2 year old does wrong, you immediately need to discipline your child or you are really not training them, because they have already forgotten what they did.

Now, that Jackson is 3 years old, he remembers how and why he was bad hours later.

Our main struggle with Jackson is when we go out into public. At the house, he knows his boundaries and when I see him getting bored we just do school time and he is fine.

When we go out in public, the rules seem to be changing for him, and he has total melt downs. He refuses to go bathroom bathroom (you know what I mean) out in pubic, and I really do think that is part of us behavioral problems when we are out.

We watched Supper Nanny the other night, and realized we were ignoring some of his defiant behavior out in public because it was the easy thing to do (Supper Nanny is a good show).

The major instances we had last week was when I took him to Walmart one night. He has been having nightmares every Friday night (please pray these go away), and so he had a 3 hour nap the next day. After his nap, he was very hyper and did fine while we were in Walmart. Then, we go to check out, and I let him down to help take the groceries out. After we are done, I try to put him back in the cart, and he has the biggest breakdown ever. He starts screaming and crying and I literally cannot get him in the buggy. I was not going to not put him back in the buggy, because if I did that it would teach him that if you yell, scream, and kick, you get your way.

I somehow managed to get him back and in, and thought long and hard on how to discipline him for this. After getting some advice, I decided we would try to talk to him when we got home about his actions. Charlie took him to his room and asked him if he was bad in Walmart. He said yes, and explained to Charlie on how he would not get back in the buggy. After feeling comfortable that he knew exactly what he had done, Charlie gave him a spanking with our spanking spoon. I really think he felt remorse for his actions for once. He also is going through a phase where he does not want to hold my hand and sometimes he tries to run out into parking lots...ah!

So here our some of our guidelines with Jackson

• If he does something that can hurt himself or others he gets a spanking (with our wooden spoon). I usually do say, if you do that again you will get a spanking and bring out the spanking spoon. If we are in public, I have found it very helpful to just whisper in his ear in a calm voice, that what he is doing is wrong and why his actions are wrong. I proceed to explain to him what is going to happen if he keeps jumping on the chair, etc. I certainly do not want to embarrass him in public.
  
• Sometimes when correcting his bad attitude we just correct him over and over again. For instance, he went through a phase where everything was "no." Every day probably a hundred times a day, I would say, "Don't tell mommy no, unless I ask you a question.Then, if the answer is no, say "no ma'am." I was so excited after about 5 days, he would say these entire sentences back to me!
• Also, sometimes I do give him time out if he is into everything and not listening. However, if he intentionally throws something at his sister, he gets a spanking. I do not give more than three spanking a day (which has only happened once). If he keeps on disobeying, I do put him in his room and make him stay there for 3 minutes (since he is three). I think a time out chair, or mat can be helpful in training your child over and over again on how they should act in certain situations or how that should speak to you.
  

What about you? What have you found more challenging about disciplining your child once they turn 3 years old? What has worked for you?

The best Christian practical book I have read is "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Plowman. I think I need to read it again right now (She has a new book entitled "No More Whining" that I really want to read soon).

Ps- We went out to eat for the first time since my birthday with just the four of us. Abigail wanted to get down, and she was tired, so needless to say it was not a fun experience. I do not think we will be going out to eat again with a waitress for another two months, just to recover from that experience. I really think 1-2 years old is such a hard age, because they do not understand so much and they cannot communicate accurately to you what they need.

Wednesday's Word: Salvation is the Ultimate Goal of Spanking

"Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol" (ESV)

Proverbs 23:13-14

Correction is Sanctification.

Points Come Straight from the Text:

1. Don’t withhold Correction

2. Don’t worry about the possible negative effects of spanking/correction

3. Spanking/Correction may save your child’s life (physical and spiritual)

I really have been holding off writing about spanking again, since one of the last times I did I got 19 comments and had some upset women commenting. You can click on my label spanking to see past posts on this issue.

However, yesterday in my daily reading, this was the Proverb for the day.

The Bible does not command us to do crazy forms of discipline where we make our children, eat soap, etc. The Bible commands us to use the rod.

The rod in our house is a wooden spoon. Jackson is warned he will get a spanking if his action can hurt himself or others. Many times now, all I have to do is bring out the wooden spoon and he chooses not to sin. I always give him one warning so he knows his action is harmful. I give him three spankings on his bottom each time I spank him. If we are in public we go to the bathroom and into a stall. The point of spanking is never to embarrass him and correcting him is between me, him, and God.

One day he did get three spankings pretty close together and after that, I put him in his room for 10 minutes. My personal limit is no more than 3 spankings in one day, but he has only done that one day. That particular day he was really bored and I had planned nothing for him to do. It is important when disciplining a child, to direct them on what they should be doing instead. This will probably mean that I will need to play with a toy with him and work on his speech and stop what I am doing.

Once he turns 12 year old we will probably have a coming of age party for him, and he will no longer be a child and the rod will no longer be an option for correction for us.

The key after spanking is to restore Jackson. He says he is sorry for his sins and feels remorse for it. I tell him a love him, and I want him to train him to have a heart that loves me and God by his actions. I try my best to be completely focused on his heart

Training Jackson in Righteousness

I do not know how many times a certain verse has rung in my head. Knowing that all Scripture is God-breathed it’s fascinating to read this:

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Proverbs 13:24.

Wow. The Bible says that if you spare the rod you hate your own son. That is really strong language. It is hard to spank your children, but if you do not use the rod on your children, ultimately, you are not showing them that you love them. I tell Jackson that I love him too much not to spank him. When I spank him I try to make sure to never do it when I am upset or mad.

Additionally, using the rod is not really a choice for me. Jackson does not respond at all to “time outs” (which is an unbiblical method of discipline). If we put him in time out for lets say, 5 minutes - 5 minutes later he will go and do the exact some dangerous action he was doing. What would I tell the doctors and nurses at the Emergency Room…that I could not protect my child because it was too much trouble for me to use the rod on him (an action that God has called me to do in his Word)? If I spank him, he will not dare go back to it. For the rod I use a wooden spoon. He knows this spoon is the spanking spoon and he even tries his best to say “spanking spoon.” Here are some reasons why I think it is working for Jackson:

1. Consistency, Consistency, Consistency. I try not to start spanking him when I am frustrated. I say, “Jackson if you do that action again, you will get a spanking.” I give him a chance not to sin. I always warn him so he knows it is coming and it not out of the blue where he does not understand where it came from. He knows where the spanking spoon is located and nothing is unexpected. Guess what? Sometimes he chooses not to sin! However, most of the time he continues to do it, and I lean him over my lap and spank him with the rod three times. He usually tries to cover his hands over his bottom (my dad said that I used to do the same thing). Many times it is worth it for him to get spanked just to continue in that certain sin…I think it was “worth it” for me as well as a child. Recently, he is hardly even fussy when I spank him, and he does not continue the action.
2. If it is an action that could harm himself or others then he definitely gets a spanking.
3. If he throws a fit and falls on the floor, I say “if you continue this you will be spanked” and he gets a spanking and usually stops. He has to know that throwing a temper tantrum is not loving and does not bring God glory. Letting him just cry in his crib (for some sort of time out situation that God does not call for me to do in the Bible) and not spanking him is not loving for me as a parent. I will say I have given countless YMCA children time out and have seen it “work” in a public school-type setting, but I am Jackson’s parent and it is my responsibility to use the rod on him. Time-out is mere behavior modification and rarely changes the heart. Somehow the rod does.
4. Recently, he has been doing so much better since he is now able to communicate with us through signs. He does not get frustrated as much now…he hardly even throws a fit on the floor…and some days he does not even get a spanking (but most days he does)
5. I do not dare do it in public. My goal in using the rod is not humiliation but saving his soul from death. Charlie has had to go to the bathroom and spank him a few times while out to eat.
6. It is hard to be a parent. It takes work and I just cannot sit on the computer or on the phone and let him be defiant…although many days that seems like a very good idea.
7. It’s biblical. Whenever God commands us to do a certain thing, He does so because he knows that we are prone to do the opposite.

Proverbs 23:13-14 states, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”

We are called to discipline our children with the rod to save our children’s soul from death

I am reading the New Strong Will Child, by Dobson and am having a hard time getting through it. Many times, I feel (and know) that Dobson integrates psychology with the Bible and often times that approach just does not work. The Bible’s world view is to die to self and depend on God, and the world view of man (psychology) is to build up self and to depend on self not on God.

Still the best book I have read on parenting is “Don’t Make Me Count to Three” by Plowman…I want to read it again.

Do you have any books that you would recommend?

To Spank or Not to Spank

Well, after many interesting comments I had on spanking, I just really feel it necessary to write one more post on spanking and guidelines when spanking a child. I know using the word “spanking” offends many readers that I have that I did not know about, but just read this with an open heart.

Here are two areas of foolishness that Plowman recommends using the rod for

1. Direct Disobedience This is when you have given your child clear instructions and made sure he understand those instructions, but he chooses to disobey. “Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord.” (Col. 3:20)
2. Defiant Attitude This is when the child expresses rebellion in his actions, words, tones of voice, or facial expressions.

For me: At Jackson’s age, spanking is determined if what Jackson is doing can harm himself or others. If he is about to pull a big heavy object off a table, I get near him and tell him if he pulls on it again, he will get a spanking.

Guidelines for Spanking a Child:

I understand why this issue is so emotional. We have all seen the child get hit (not spanked – I’m talking about hitting not spanking and there is a difference) in public by a parent and the parent is usually very angry. My heart breaks for these children as well. I do not think their parents have really thought through using the rod for correction, not humiliation or harm.

1. Discuss what the child has done wrong and why it is your responsibility to spank him. Make sure he knows that you spank him because you love him too much to allow the sin to take root in his heart and grow. It is important for the child to verbally confess what he has done and ask for forgiveness.
2. Guide the child in thinking through what he should have done. This goes with instructing a child and training them to be the man God has called him to be.
3. Use proper instruments as your spanker. Do not use something that will bruise your child!
4. Let the child know how many spankings they will be getting This demonstrates the parent’s self-control.
5. Spank as promptly after the offense as possible With Jackson if we do not do it very soon after the incident, then we do not do it at all. He has to be able to understand what he did was wrong and 10 minutes later he has completely forgotten what he did.
6. Administer the spanking in private! I think this is the most important guideline. We are not called to humiliate our children or to “show off” to other parents that they better not mess with us. Our goal is not to embarrass or humiliate your child but to bring him to repentance. A repentant heart will not result from a child whose primary focus is on being embarrassed in front of friends or siblings (or the audience in the check-out line)
7. Administer the rod to the child’s bottom. The bottom is a sensitive area yet it cushioned in such a way that proper spanking will not do physical damage.
8. Take time for reconciliation
9. Require the child to make restitution

Conclusion:

NEVER SPANK BECAUSE OF

1. Childish Behavior. Childishness becomes foolishness when the child has been given clear instructions and then disobeys
2. Inability to perform. We should not even have to list this one but we are all sinners
3. Accidents
4. Before Having All of the Facts
5. WHILE YOU ARE ANGRY A parent who spanks a child in anger is sinning against God and sinning against their child. If you are angry, take time to pray through your anger and allow God to make your motives pure before you spank. Disciplining in anger can cause the child to resent rather than repent. * I would say if you are angry and have real young children, just do not spank at that time. It is more important for you not to be angry and abusive than for a spanking to occur. I cannot count the number of times I have seen an angry parent spank their child. In doing this they are sinning and need to repent and ask God for forgiveness and ask their child for forgiveness. The Bible clearly states that if we do not use the rod we “hate our own children,” and we are not saving his soul from death. If you are not a Christian, I understand why you would not want to use the rod. It is a lot easier to try time outs or something else. It is very hard to biblically use the rod and many Christians use the rod because they are angry and they are in turn sinning!

How to Biblically Correct Your Child When He Hits

God’s Word tells us to try to work out disputes among ourselves. When we have a dispute with a fellow Christian or non-Christian (not our children), we are to try to work the dispute out by confronting and asking them to stop the certain behavior. If they refuse to stop then Scripture tells us to get a judge (if they are a Christian the judge showed be a leader or pastor in the church) to decide the case.

Wouldn’t it be great if our children, when they had disputes among each other, asked the other child to stop the behavior in a nice calm way, and the other child actually stopped the said behavior. I think we would be in heaven if that were to happen the majority of the time. But, I do not want to encourage Jackson to tell me every time a child does wrong to him, rather, I want to encourage him to work it out with his friend. He is still a little young to come and tell me what someone else has done to him. Anyway, many times us moms have to act as the judge between fights among our children and their friends. By doing this are we encouraging our children to work out their disputes among themselves or are we hindering that process?

For older children that hit this is what Plowman recommends in her book, “Don’t Make me Count to Three”:

"Here are a few examples of heart-probing questions that can be asked:

'What were you feeling when you hit your sister?' Quite often, the emotion is anger.

'What did your sister do to make you mad?' After listening to him we found out that Josh was telling a joke to everyone at the table, and rather than respectfully listening and allowing Josh the fun of telling it, Lindsey kept rudely interrupting and trying to steal the fun from her brother by telling the joke herself. So as a response to her rudeness, Josh got angry and just socked her a good one!

'Did hitting your sister seem to make things better or worse between the two of you?' This question helped him acknowledge that he was still mad, and Lindsey was crying from the pain.

'What was the problem with what Lindsey was doing to you?' Although Josh should not have hit her, we didn’t want to deny the fact that Josh had been sinned against. We had him tell us what Lindsey was doing wrong and why it was wrong. We wanted to teach him how to identify her actions (and his temptation) biblically. There are many verses that could apply to what Lindsey was doing. One would be Proverbs 6:19 which says that one of the seven things that God hates is one 'who stirs up dissension among brothers.' This is definitely what she was doing. The madder her got, the more she delighted in interrupting him.

At this point, we stopped and asked Lindsey, 'Honey were you promoting peace by interrupting your brother’s joke, or were you stirring up trouble?' We focused their attention on what God says about stirring up trouble. We were showing them the situation from God’s point of view.

'Yes, Josh, Lindsey was sinning against you, but in what other ways could have you responded?' Each answer that Josh gave enabled him to better understand his own heart and his own need for Christ’s grace and redemption. And each answered questions gave us the opportunity to us God’s Word in training him in accordance with his struggle. Bottom line, Josh became angry with his sister and returned evil with evil.”

Do you ask heart probing questions with your children? Or do you struggle with instructing your children? I would love to hear from you!

With Jackson when he hits something (sometimes that something is our dog), I tell him that hitting is bad and it does not honor your mommy and displeases God. I say, “If you hit again, you will get a spanking.” Last week, he definitely got a couple of spankings. I use a wooden spoon and I am sure to warn him that he is going to get spanked so he does not live his life in fear thinking I am going to spank him out of the blue. I only give one warning as opposed to three…. Then, I say, we need to love Millie Boo, God wants us to show love and hitting is not showing love. Then we practicing showing love to Millie Boo (our dog).

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Proverbs 13:24. Wow, the Bible says if you spare the rod you hate your own son. That is really strong language. It is hard to spank you children, but if you do not use the rod on your children, ultimately, you are not showing love for them. I tell Jackson that I love him too much not to spank him while I am spanking him and I make sure to never do it when I am upset or mad. Proverbs 23:13-14 states, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” We are called to discipline our children with the rod to save our children’s soul from death!

I think the next post will be about spanking and the guidelines that Plowman discusses in her book.

3 Quick Tips for Moms (What God has been teaching me)

1. Time how long it actually takes you to clean a certain area. This really helps you focus on the task at hand, and helps you not waste any of your precious time. For some reason, I take forever to unload the dishwasher. So I got my timer out and timed me, and it did take me 7 whole minutes, but Jackson was asleep so I was being very quiet. While you clean, listen to your ipod with sermon podcasts or put on some of your favorite music. Another suggestion is to memorize Scripture while you clean, this helps your mind from wondering and worrying. Go here to this mom’s blog and her inspiring post on cleaning a big mess in 15 minutes: http://choosingsimplicity.blogspot.com/2008/03/simply-overwhelmed-to-simply-overjoyed.html
2. When disciplining your child us both the rod and correction no matter how old your child is. Jackson has been hard to discipline recently. He gets extremely frustrated and he is a very sensitive child. I am reading the best book right now from a mom’s perspective that I have ever read, “Don’t Make Me Count to Three!” by Ginger Plowman. I am so thankful to God for this book in my life and I can hardly put the book down. I will be blogging more about this book soon! She asserts that certainly God has called us to use the rod to drive foolishness from the hearts of our children. We are told in Proverbs 22:15, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from it.” But, Scripture calls us to instruct them which I believe is equally important. Ephesians 6:4 states, “…bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I think part of the reason why Jackson has been so frustrated is that I have been using the rod, but I have not instructed him or shown him what to do instead of hitting things. It is like I have been trying to train a cute little puppy by spanking him every time he uses the bathroom on the floor, but not taking him outside to show him that this is where you are to use the restroom (or providing a way of escape). Plowman explains that discipline without instruction will exasperate and lead to anger. My plan is that when he hits me in frustration to tell him that that action does not please God and that if he does it again he will get a spanking. If he does it again, he will get a spanking with the wooden spoon, and then I will explain that he needs to love other people by hugging them not hitting them. He loves to hug people and if he can replace slapping anything in site with loving people when he does not gets his way, this will be an improvement. I really need to instruct him on what he should do, and I know now that this will work better than just spanking him. If anyone else has any more advice on how to deal with an 18 month old slapping people’s arms let me know. I am just not completely sure on how to exactly instruct an 18 month old and his melt downs when he does not get his way.
3. If you have a baby, do not buy way over priced baby food. Use a baby food grinder that money saving mom uses. I will not be buying jarred baby food for my next child. Go here to see her post: http://www.moneysavingmom.com/2008/03/feeding-babies-nutritiously-on-limited.html